Self-compassion is your greatest source of strength (Photo credit: wildphotons)

The other day I was talking with a friend about her experience with grief and loss and she expressed that she felt she should be further along on her path of recovery. She is six weeks past a major loss after a grueling year  of care-taking, medical emergencies and life adjustments. Can you relate to that belief? I can !!

How tempting…and human…to think that we can hit the ground running after a time of grief, trauma or major life adjustments. We want to get on with it. We want to move past the intensity, the deep aching sadness, hurt, confusion and doubt. It is hard to be with all the feelings, the voices in our heads and the hurt in our heart. However this is the time to lie fallow, to process and be able to digest our experience.

Every aspect of our energy –part of our body, mind and spirit is affected by trauma, loss and grief no matter how well we have managed through it. This is the time to rest in the quiet, to let the silence behind the difficult emotions emerge from that deep place within. It is time to let that silence envelope you in its healing arms. This is what allows your energy to return. It is what allows wisdom to bubble up from a profoundly authentic place inside. This is how you help yourself heal, find meaning and integrate your experience.

Patience is needed to move with the natural rhythms of life especially with the troublesome times. Self compassion is necessary to let yourself be where you are. Patience and self compassion are your allies through transition times. A new life needs to be birthed gently, in its own time and with a consciousness that is full of understanding not hurried movement. Time, space and healing attention are necessary luxuries when we are  at such a stage on our life journey. There are many gifts to be had if we become present and mindful to our experience…a profound inner connection with our authentic self and the rejuvenating flow of spiritual energy are two such gifts that can stabilize our minds and hearts…for the now and for the future.

Related articles

• Day 18: Grief (donethisbefore.com)
• 7 Ways Reiki Supports Overcoming Grief (thereikimuse.com)

Image via Wikipedia

Recently I spent a week with  my “sister from another mother” and her husband in Florida. My friends live in a very privileged community and have been there for 25 years. I have long known my friend’s generosity and service orientation —she is after all a retired therapist/social worker! But I was unaware of the same focus that her friends and neighbors embody until this trip.

One morning as we were just back from a walk with a good friend (who had chatted casually about  her various activities with fund raising and charity work in the community) there was a knock on the door from another neighbor with a gift for my friend happily wrapped in Halloween paper.  It seems that she and her husband had been looking for an elderly couple that they could anonymously give to at Christmas and they had contacted my friend as she visits the home bound and they thought she may be able to connect them with a family in need. She of course did. In addition to supplying the name, she was to be the go between to deliver $350.00 in gifts and gift cards for food and other necessities so the couple could remain anonymous. NOW they were gifting my friend as a thank you for helping them with this act of generosity. This same couple has been very active in supporting those in their own immediate environment who are ill, dying or otherwise in need. My friend spoke of many instances where children or other relatives of these elderly couples were absent or not willing to help and her neighbors often stepped up and were there to help with arranging for medical care, guardianship , companionship, rides etc.

The community that I am talking about is quite affluent, but of course people are not immune to health issues and crises as they age. It is remarkable to see the support, caring and giving that goes on both within and outside this community. Beyond remarkable, it is heartening to see both givers and receivers benefit from acts of kindness and compassion. All is not perfect as in any planned community/group there are differences around a wide range of topics concerning how things are done. However, when it comes to human needs, the intrinsic goodness in people seems to be rising to the surface. In fact it was one of the things that my friend and I spoke at length about–that what is happening in the world does seem to be providing ample opportunity for creativity, unique new approaches and an opening of the compassionate heart in many who may not have under other circumstances thought to express themselves in that way. In good times perhaps it is too easy to forget that we are all part of the human family and need each other on many levels and in many ways.

The ‘feel good’ that comes from compassion and kindness it turns out has effects beyond a momentary ‘hit’.  Research has been showing that it  has a positive effect even if we are not actively participating but only observing. It turns out that it is good for our immunity, our hearts and our relationships AND it is contagious!

“Elevation seems to have a ripple effect, triggering cognitive, emotional, and  behavioral changes,” Haidt says. “It makes people more open, more loving,  grateful, compassionate, and forgiving.” Jonathan Haidt, PhD as quoted by Joan Duncan Oliver in”Kindness, the Ripple Effect.

Read more: http://http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Doing-Good-Deeds-Natural-Highs-How-to-Spread-Kindness

http://www.compassionspace.com/Papers_on_Basic_Compassion/Theory%20of%20Compassion%20Development.pdf

As the media feeds us with all that is wrong, contentious and in crisis on an hourly basis, it would serve us all to be more aware of all the good that is happening around the world as “ordinary” people quietly rise to challenges, and tap into creative new ways to see and be in the world. The evolution that is underway is a marathon and not a sprint. It will take each one of us to be more conscious, intentional and active to adapt and create a world that is more sustainable individually and globally.

Related articles

• Can Compassion Help Lower Crime? (livingenergyworks.com)
• How Language Can Cultivate An Open Heart (livingenergyworks.com)

Regions of the brain affected by PTSD and stress. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is well known that stress is a primary force in the development of ill health. Most people are well aware of the signs of stress even if they are reluctant to do anything about them. Implementing a stress management program is a great thing to do. However, if you do this with the attitude that it is one more task to be done it can, it can be a burden that is easily given up.

An attitude that includes a:
Healthy sense of self worth
Deep inner commitment to one’s well being
Recognition of link between optimal health and happiness

… makes the time spent a joy and increases your benefit immeasurably.

Finding time to care for oneself is so often seen as less important than caring for others, especially when their need is so great and crucially important. Our culture generally does not value self care or encourage it to be at the top of the list of “things to do for success.” However, when you live in the world as a care-giver, to neglect this aspect is to sign up for trouble physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

What is ONE thing you can do today to begin to take better care of YOU?

The world will thank you!

Logo Connecting Emotional Intelligence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is easier to develop the quality of acceptance when the stakes are not too high. Begin with small things and those close to home. Begin with yourself. Notice the occurrences in your day that seem to invite you to become willful, argumentative, or insistent on your way or the highway!  Notice areas of your life or situations where you may feel (or assign) blame, shame, fear or even embarrassment.  For instance, how do you really feel about your body?  Do you accept it as is or are you always hoping or wishing for a different weight or a different shape?  How about relationships?  What challenging or difficult relationships do you engage in regularly?  Is there someone in your family or perhaps at work that always seems to “push your buttons?”  Are you comfortable with your Self?  Do you genuinely love and truly accept yourself just as you are or do you try to be someone you’re not?  How about your financial situation?  Do you accept it as is and move forward from there or do you blame others for where you are?  After you take a true look at yourself, broaden the circle and look within your family.  Widen it again and look around your neighborhood and so on.

Notice how you feel about each situation.  Notice if you collapse into feelings of overwhelm or even anger, feeling as if the deck is stacked against you, or as if things will never change. Any situation that doesn’t feel good is an opportunity to try a new approach, to elicit feelings of acceptance and let things be for a time. Think of it as an experiment. Try it purposefully on everyday situations and gradually you will get the kind of feedback that encourages you to keep on building and go on to higher and higher skill levels.

If you find it difficult to develop acceptance about personal issues, begin with something as common as the weather.  Suppose you had your heart set on a gorgeous warm and sunny summer day to spend outside either by yourself or with friends and family.  You wake up and it’s pouring rain or cold and gray.  You plans need to be set aside or adjusted.  How do you usually react to such situations?  Do you go along with it, accept it and adjust to it?  Or do you let it consume your energy, leaving you frustrated, tired and depleted? Perhaps you’ve already established options and you know how you’re going to spend your time regardless of the weather.  You know that if the weather is sunny you’ll go with Plan A.  If the weather is less than favorable, you’ll move forward with Plan B.  No matter how the day turns out, you’re ready for it; you accept it as is and adjust accordingly.  You are able to let go and simply make the best of what comes up.

Look for “energy leakages” in your daily life.  These are situations that aren’t balanced or situations that don’t feel good. They are situations where you expend more than you take in.  They are perfect opportunities to practice building new skills and to develop emotional intelligence.  When you practice acceptance, you broaden your perspective and allow different points or view.  You don’t need to be right and have someone else be wrong.  You accept situations as they are and you work towards mutually agreeable terms or conclusions.  You open yourself to personal growth and development.  You get to the heart of a problem without blame and you determine the proper course of action. You are able to do this objectively without making others feel bad or feel rejected.

Acceptance is about inclusion rather than exclusion.  When you are inclusive, you are flexible and you are open to different ideas, situations and people.  You set judgment aside and you work with “what is” … whatever it is. As a result, you open yourself to more opportunity and awareness. You open yourself to the bounty of life

Listen carefully and pay deep attention to your inner self. You will notice your areas of resistance and where you cause yourself physical, emotional and/or spiritual pain. As you notice, you can choose the path of acceptance.  Doing so leads to real freedom!

It is important to remember that we cannot strong arm ourselves into a new mind set with our thoughts alone. Tools such as breath work, EFT, and other energy techniques can help bring relief from old patterns at the level of the body-mind where our beliefs live and “drive our bus” without our conscious permission.

The exercises in our recorded programs are particularly well suited to helping you reworks your system so you can be free to move into acceptance and the ease that it brings.

 To begin to become more heart centered, tune into your breath, and feel as though you can flow your breath in and out through the center of your chest, your heart space. Practice being absorbed in that experience or sensation. Create a sense of ease and flow through this part of your body and let your mind rest in feelings of openness and spaciousness.  Feeling gratitude or appreciation flowing with your breath can help ground you more deeply in this experience.  As you do this let yourself observe and directly experience people. places and things without judgment.

As you begin to play with this different point of view, your mind will of continue to throw up thoughts, judgments and its running commentary on the state of things! It is just what it does. Remove your attention and go back to the more open free flowing sensation of resting in your heart. 

As you practice being centered in your heart, over time you will discover that your stress level diminishes,your  attitudes begin to shift, and your overall experience of life deepens in a satisfying way. In addition, you will also notice changes in those around you and how they respond to you! Magic!

 When we learn to live more from our hearts, judgment is replaced by understanding and compassion.  Rather than feeling that we or others are right or wrong, we begin to understand perspective, how it forms and how seeing through a lens of right or wrong, good or bad keeps us locked in struggle.   We begin to see our way out of that prison and find our way to freedom.

 When your actions are heart-based you are operating outside the mind and outside the ego.  You begin to live and act out of a deep inner sense of love. This is more a state of being than a feeling of sentimentality, romance or attachment. It is a space you uncover, discover, and learn to live from independent of externals. Developing this way of being can help move you on toward enlightenment one human step at a time.

7 Steps for learning to let go:

1. Honor your experience by speaking or writing it out. Telling your story, honestly stating how it was for you without laundering it into what you think is acceptable, is crucial. Experience needs to be claimed and witnessed in order to be processed and released. The witnessing, whether by yourself or with another, is best if it is nonjudgmental and compassionate!

 2. Engage in a spiritual practice. Practices that help you connect with aspects larger than your ego self help make you feel that you CAN hold all your experience and not be shattered by it. Later you will realize that you can feel it AND let it go; this will give you more ability to feel what is there with courage because you can trust that you do not have to feel it forever.

 Spiritual practice also helps you to not feel so empty or isolated. It can provide an infusion of loving, supportive energy that assists you and holds you up when you cannot do it all alone.

 3. Seek out others who have been through similar situations. Sharing your experience, weaknesses and strengths is very healing. Both giving and receiving are a part of the natural flow of life. ..a core expression and rhythm of love.

 4. Take breaks in your process. Especially if your grief is a large one, it is crucial to the process to give it both active and receptive attention. It is okay to let things rest and gestate for a time.

 5. Provide an outlet for release of all thoughts, emotions and beliefs that have been stored up as a result of this loss for you. Create rituals, use intentions that help you to not only uncover and articulate but also for the letting go part.

 6. Channel your energy into something positive.  One family channeled grief about the loss of a child into a foundation that now raises money for research into childhood illnesses.  Another family is honoring the memory of their child by funding a house for families to stay nearby when their sick children are hospitalized.  These are two wonderful examples of turning grief into positive action … to process the grief and honor the past while improving the situation for others.

 7.  See a professional grief counselor if you feel that your grieving process has gone on too long or you feel stuck.  A professional can help you reclaim your Self.

 Grieving is healthy.  As you experience it, feel/ know that you are OK in spite of whatever pain or discomfort you feel.  Let go of resistance to all emotion, allow yourself to feel the sadness, despair and loss fully. Sometimes the simple act of not resisting and fully experiencing is enough for a natural letting go to occur. If not you may need to use intention and opening to the sensation of letting go.

 We are meant to grieve our losses, but not forever! Giving each phase of experience its proper place is the key to balance.

Deborah Duda, longtime caregiver and therapist for the terminally ill and their families is the author of “Coming Home: A Practical and Compassionate Guide to Caring for a Dying Loved One.” Terrified of dying, Deborah Duda called Mother Teresa while visiting Calcutta and met her at the Sisters of Charity Convent in the hopes of overcoming her fears. When Duda asked if she could help her care for the dying, Mother Teresa replied, “No, my child. Go home. There is sadness and suffering right around you at home.” Wisely following Mother Teresa’s advice, Duda has cared for and counseled terminally ill patients and their loved ones for 30 years. Having participated in the home deaths of her mother, father, two close friends and many others, Duda offers physical, legal, emotional and spiritual support for caregivers in making a loved one’s final weeks as relaxed and meaningful as possible in her acclaimed guide. Now in the fourth edition, previous editions of “Coming Home” have been endorsed by Mother Teresa and Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, author of “On Death and Dying,” has been reviewed by “Library Journal” and “The Los Angeles Times” and has been used to train hospice workers for decades. Learn what Mother Teresa taught Duda about caring for our dying – What caregivers can do for their physical, mental and emotional health – How to honor a loved one while grieving their loss – Activities you can do with your dying loved one – What dying can teach us about living joyfully.

1. Do I want to do __________ for this person?
2. Am I motivated by love, fear or guilt?
3. Am I doing what I am doing because it is expected of me?
4. Is it what I want to give of myself?
5. Does this feel right to me?
6. Am I putting more effort into this than they are?
7. Will doing this make me feel good and why?